Diary of a Handmaiden 1-I Will Wait-Saché's Diary
by princess-sari1
Summary: This is the first in what will eventually be a series of five Diaries, one each for Saché, Yané, Rabé, Eirtaé, and Sabé, the Handmaidens of Queen Amidala of Naboo. This Diary basically covers the time period of TPM and describes what it was like on N
1. Entry 1

Disclaimer: The Star Wars Universe belongs to George Lucas and Lucasfilm, Ltd. I'm just borrowing it for awhile. :) No money is being made from this story.  
  
Pages torn from the diary of Saché, Handmaiden to Queen Amidala of Naboo. Written during the occupation of Naboo by the Trade Federation.  
  
  
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As I sit here on a balcony of Theed Palace, I wonder what the next few days will hold.   
The Jedi are supposed to arrive tomorrow. We can only hope that their intervention will stop the Trade Federation's blockade. Our people are beginning to go hungry. If someone doesn't do something soon, I don't know what will happen. We do have one thing on our side, though--our Queen.  
  
How proud I am now to serve her!   
When I was first chosen to be a handmaiden, I had mixed feelings, but now I know I am in the right place.   
  
Padmé is proof that leadership does not require years, only wisdom. Without her leadership, I am sure Naboo would have fallen long ago...  
  
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	2. Entry 2

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We are alone now. It is just Yané and I. Our Mistress left Naboo today with the two Jedi and took only Rabé and Eirtaé, and, of course, Sabé. I understand why Padmé left us, but it is still difficult.   
  
Yané and I must represent the Queen while she is gone. We must be brave, just as Padmé would be if she was still here. We must convince the people, by the way we act, that the Queen is still with us, even though she is far away. I am determined to show the people that they must not give up hope–no matter what.   
  
I just hope that wherever Padmé, Sabé, Eirtaé, and Rabé are, they are safe. I hope that when the Queen goes before the Senate, they will listen. I hope that soon our planet will be free again. I hope that my friends come back soon...safe...and alive.  
  
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	3. Entry 3

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Governor Bibble sent a message to the Queen's ship last night. Wherever they are, I hope they got it...and I hope they didn't.   
  
I am not sure why the Governor chose to send such a message. Of course our people are dying, they have been dying. Padmé does not need a message to tell her that. And I fear that getting such a message will cause her to return before she can convince the Senate to help us. That it will make her feel guilt she does not deserve.  
  
*Why* did he send that message?  
  
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	4. Entry 4

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This is one of the times I am glad I never gave up recording my thoughts on flimsy. There are times when the sound of the stylus as I write is almost as comforting as pouring out my thoughts is. Datapads just aren't the same.  
  
Why am I so in need of comfort?  
Today I watched as battle-droids executed a group of "rebels" in Theed's main plaza. They simply shot them down in cold blood.  
The Neimodians forced Yané and I to watch along with Governor Bibble and the Council members. We stood together, surrounded by battle-droids, and watched helplessly and silently.  
  
But not without protest. I am almost afraid to write these words, for fear someone might find and read them and we would lose our only method of communication and resistance.   
It has long been the custom on Naboo to use clothing as a form of communication, with different colors used for their symbolism. Now we are using this old custom to fight the Trade Federation in the only way we can.   
  
Today, when we were told there would be an execution of some of the leaders of the "rebel cells" in the plaza, the same thought must have occurred to all of us. For though we had no chance to speak with one another, when we were gathered to be escorted to the plaza, we were all dressed in colors and styles to symbolize our grief, anger, determination, and resistance.  
Yané and I, of course, have been allowed to stay together in our rooms in the Palace. I am not sure why this is so. After all, we were on our way to be "processed" when the Jedi appeared and took away Padmé, and the others.   
  
Yané and I didn't need to speak to decide what we would wear. We simply chose our clothes together. One of us held up a gown, the other chose shoes, and so on.   
Knowing that we were all speaking this secret language, that while to the Trade Federation we may seem to be beaten, but we are really protesting at every step, and that even now Padmé must be pleading our cause and getting help for Naboo, is all that got me through the execution.   
Because there is something I told no one, not even Yané.  
  
When we arrived at the plaza and I looked across and saw the Naboo to be executed, I knew one of them. Better than knew him–he was my brother.  
  
I would have run across the plaza to him, thrown myself in front of him, let them shoot me or beat me or kill me, except that at the same time I saw Zac, he saw me. All the way across the plaza our eyes met, and I knew he didn't want me to do any of that. We are not Jedi, we cannot read minds, but somehow Zac and I have always been able to know what the other is thinking. And I knew then that he was proud to die for Naboo and that he wanted to me to stay silent so that I can fight tomorrow or the next day or the next or whenever Padmé returns to lead our people. I knew that he would tell me, if he could, that his death would serve a purpose and so would my life.  
  
And so I stood still and watched them kill my brother, fighting with every ounce of strength and control that I have learned while serving the Queen not to give away my secret.  
  
And now I must live with the fact that I succeeded...that I did nothing while they killed Zac.  
  
I did nothing...  
  
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	5. Entry 5

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As I read over yesterday's entry and as I write now, I am struck by how coolly I am able to write about Zac's death. I think it is because it has not yet become real to me. None of this is. I feel like it is all happening to someone else, or like it is a dream–no a nightmare–that I will soon wake up from That Eirtaé will be standing over me, wondering why I always have to be shaken awake in the morning to start preparing the Queen's wardrobe for the day.  
  
How can I feel like this?  
  
I have not even cried yet. Not one tear for my brother who died so bravely.   
What is wrong with me? Why am I so unfeeling?  
And at the same time that I feel guilty and wrong for feeling nothing, I am afraid to start to feel. I am afraid that once I start to cry, I will never stop, that once it starts to hurt it will always hurt.I have always heard people say this about grief, and I never understood. It was just words to me. But now I know. And I wish I also knew the answer, the solution, but I don't.  
There is only one thing I can do. Only one way I can think of to ease the pain of feeling no pain.  
  
That is to make a promise to do what I know Zac wanted me to do.  
  
And so I write here, now, in my diary, that promise.  
  
I promise to live and to fight. I promise that I will wait for the Queen to return so that I will be ready to help in her in any way I can. And if she never returns, although I am certain she will, I will wait until someone else stands up to lead our people to overthrow the Trade Federation. And if no one stands up, then I will wait for the right time and I will stand up and lead our people myself. I will wait as long as I have to, as long as it takes.  
That is my promise...I will wait...  
  
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	6. Epilogue

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It is over. In a good way, I mean. Padmé returned with the Jedi and gained the support of the Gungans. Great battles were fought and many humans and Gungans died, but we are free of the Trade Federation. And Senator Palpatine has been elected Supreme Chancellor of the Republic! So many exciting things have happened, and yet I am not able to feel that any more than I feel grief for Zac's death.   
The Jedi have come here to honor Master Jinn, who also fell in the battle. I suspect they will also be dealing with the other Jedi, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and the small boy, Anakin Skywalker. Padmé has not said much, but I gather from what she has said that there is something special about the boy, but that there are conflicting opinions about him.  
The important thing, though, is that our planet is once again free.  
  
I suppose I should explain more about the battle before I forget. Mostly, it is all a blur to me, as is everything that has happened since Zac died.   
  
There were more executions and we heard that the Gungans had been attacked in their underwater cities and exterminated. That last bit, at least, was propaganda, since many of the Gungans escaped and proved to be our salvation.   
Governor Bibble and the other Council members evidently had to watch more executions, but Yané and I were simply placed under house arrest, with battle-droids guarding our rooms.   
  
Apparently, the Neimodians forgot about us.  
  
We spent a couple days like that, trying to gain information in any way we could–usually by watching the courtyards from our window. Every few hours, a group of our people would be led through to be processed and we could tell by their clothing that the resistance was growing in strength, if not in reality, then at least in spirit.   
  
Yané was itching to get out there and fight, but I was just trying to survive. I don't think she ever caught on to how I was feeling.  
  
Then, three days ago, the whole atmosphere changed. Even from our confined space, Yané and I could sense it. She got so impatient I thought she would jump out of her skin.  
  
About midmorning, we heard a clattering sound from the hallway. Yané opened the door and we were just in time to see our guards round the corner at the end of the hall, going roughly in the direction of the throne room.  
  
Yané was back in the room in a flash, removing two blasters from their hiding place in a wall safe behind a huge portrait of a long-dead queen of Naboo. She tossed one of them to me and I looked at it distastefully. I had absolutely no desire to hold a blaster in my hands so soon after my brother was killed with one. Yané's eyes were sparkling with excitement, though. She took off into the corridor, shouting for me to come with her. And since I couldn't let her go alone, I followed.  
  
The next few hours were pure chaos and I barely remember them. We came upon pockets of battle-droids and droidekas and did our best to fight them. Eventually we met up with a group of Royal Security Guards and joined them. I have to admit that it felt sort of good to use the fighting skills I learned. We haven't had much chance to use them in the past months of serving the Queen. Personally, I would much prefer the boredom of peace, though I suspect Yané holds the opposite view.   
  
But it was satisfying, I must admit. Every time I shot down a battle-droid, I imagined it was the one whose shot had killed Zac.  
  
Finally, suddenly, the droids were deactivated, (we learned later that this was thanks to young Skywalker) and the battle was, for the most part, over.  
  
The crowning point of the day was seeing Padmé triumphantly standing in the middle of the throne room, her blaster trained on the Neimodian scum who started all this. She looked at us and immediately came over and embraced us. To hear her saying how glad she was we were still alive, and that she was proud to see that we were fighting for Naboo did send a warmth to my heart. But it still didn't dispel the numbness I'm feeling  
  
In any case, once our planet was regained, it was a matter of waiting. Messages were sent to Senator Palpatine and the Jedi Council. Newly elected *Chancellor* Palapatine and the Jedi arrived yesterday.   
  
I did not expect it to happen so quickly, I must admit. I just made my promise to Zac, and now it is already fulfilled, and I feel empty inside. And alone.  
  
I have to go now. There is to be a great celebration today in the plaza and I must attend. I do not want to, but I must and I will. That celebration will be held in the same plaza where Zac died just a few days ago, and I don't know how I will bear it. He should be getting a memorial service, like the one held for Master Jinn last night, not a celebration. How will I be able to stand it?  
  
If Zac could die so bravely, then I can face the celebration just as bravely, in honor of him.   
  
And while everyone else rejoices for Naboo, I will mourn my brother. If I can just get through this celebration and the dinner in honor of Chancellor Palpatine to follow it, I will be okay. I will be able to find a quiet place this evening to write about everything that happens and think about Zac. I am thinking about sneaking out tonight and taking some flowers to leave in the plaza near the place where Zac died. He always loved mother's Sweet Naboo roses, and we've had dozens of bouquets sent to the Palace for the Queen in the past few days.   
  
I will take them to the plaza and I will say goodbye to Zac and tell him how much I love him and how proud I am to be his sister.   
  
And who knows, maybe I will even cry...  
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